I often write posts in advance.
I wrote this post before I heard that our expected travel date is perhaps August/September. As much as we have prayed for an earlier date, I have to admit that an extra couple of months helps with preparation and finances. I don’t know what our plans will be for Caroline since my school teacher mom can’t keep her outside of the summer… but God has worked everything else out perfectly so far. So below is the post I wrote in a panic thinking we may still leave in June; clearly God answers our prayers and fear sometimes before we even know it!
Can I be honest for a moment?
I feel slightly paralyzed with fear. What an outrageous and arrogant feeling for me to have! After all, God has moved mountains to bring us closer to holding the child whom we love. I have cried over this baby and longed for this baby. I tried to prepare my heart during these painful stalls in the adoption process to hold on for a long wait.
And where did shielding my heart get me? Here. Yes, amazed at God’s grace because the wait was not long at all, but also unprepared for the blessings that will fall on us MUCH sooner than later!
Unprepared. I can’t stop thinking about that word. All I was prepared for was a WAIT. (Serves me right for not practically believing that God can move & FAST, haha!)
So now, I can’t stop wondering how we will get ready. My mind is racing. Travel preparation, infant car seats, a nursery, clothes, adoption payments coming at us faster than we can get out a calculator. Most of the things we need to do to get ready will have to wait until we get a referral and know more about our child.
My stomach turns in knots… until I think about the first moment that I held Caroline. That moment was peace. And I didn’t care that her bed wasn’t set up yet at home. I didn’t wonder how difficult it would be to adjust our budget to a family of 3 instead of 2. I felt nothing but joy and love.
I can close my eyes and imagine wrapping my arms around our second child. And I feel peace. And joy. And unbelievable, undeniable, absolute LOVE. A shadowy reflection of the bigger love God feels for me, and for our new baby. He will take care of us.