Miscarriage hasn't crushed me. Yes, I'm sad. But I've also felt full of hope, knowing God can turn even loss around, for His glory and my joy. And so it never occurred to me that a weekend surrounded by hundreds of adoptive mamas might... sting.
I felt lost in a sea of women who were actively walking some specific road towards some future child... while I am on no path at all.
And I really want our next child.
|pic stolen from Instagram user: iveyhandcrafted|
By Sunday morning, God had refueled me. If you've already heard Chris Tomlin's new song, "Whom Shall I Fear," you can imagine how powerful it felt to stand shoulder to shoulder with hundreds of women who've walked tough roads towards motherhood as they sing with arms raised,
"I know Who goes before me/I know Who stands behind
the God of angel armies/is always by my side.
The One Who reigns forever/He is a friend of mine
the God of angel armies/is always by my side."
And so I walked away from the weekend knowing many things better:
- I am still grieving more than I admit or realize.
- Even after all the writing and studying about waiting... I am still impatient.
- God loves me. God loves you. And He wants us to soak in that. (This topic deserves a separate post.)
- With God on my side, there is no circumstance I should fear. Even if I never get what I want. Even if I lose all I love. God, give me the faith to KNOW that even the hard stuff is being woven into your tapestry. Some day we'll see the beauty.
(I also have a post brewing regarding all I learned about adoptees... for another day!)