Friday Flashbacks: Heavy Heart

There’s nothing amazing about this post I wrote March 5, 2010.
Still, I sometimes like to remember how it hurt to wait, so I can sympathize with others whose worlds are in treacherous limbo.

My aching words during our Ugandan adoption process… after Ugandan adoption shut down.


My heart is broken.
Adoption is hard.

Most days I am full of faith. Many days, I am getting used to the wait. But there are days, like yesterday, when I would love to lay down and cry. Days when I wonder if the dream of a child from Uganda might slip away, forever leaving an ache in my soul.

I have been trying to determine what it is that makes this adoption situation hurt so badly. After all, I am not in Uganda with children I have already seen and held, desperate to get them home. I follow the stories of some of these families, and they are truly in the valley. God is allowing them to go through MAJOR trials. I pray for them, and for God to give them such sweet rewards even in this life for the struggle they are bearing. But I am not bearing their same struggles. I have not held and touched my child. I am not facing the threat of LOSING someone… I am simply in the dark, wondering when and how I’ll ever be united with the child I love so much.

Oh how I miss this child I have never met. There is a gap in our lives. This is not some “good deed” delayed. I am not adopting our baby to be charitable. I am seeking out our child because he/she is OUR CHILD. And I need that sweet baby in our arms.

I would go to the ends of the earth if I had to so (s)he could come home, but I can’t.
I would fight, if it would help, but who is there to fight?
I am in the dark.
So we wait.

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