Monday, September 10, 2012


I hate crossroads and change.  Which is ironic, because my greatest fear is the comfort that breeds apathy.  The thing I hate (change) is the antidote to the thing I fear (comfort and apathy.)

Brad started seminary last week.
Caroline and Amelia are back at preschool 8-12 hours each week.
We're still working through a homeschool curriculum in our spare time.

4K is the last glorious chance we'll have to straddle the best of traditional school and homeschool.  We can't live in both worlds forever.

We need to decide by the end of 2012 whether Caroline will attend private, public, magnet, or homeschool kindergarten.  If I can ever (without boring you) verbalize the ten million factors and frustrations that rattle in my brain regarding our children's future education, I'll write a post about it. For now, I'll just tell you I'm confused and stressed.

So that covers the "education" portion of our current lives.

In other news, I'm having a delayed realization that life has changed since the move.
I do that... emotions often hit me really late.  (Hello? That's how I can still blog about becoming an adoptive mother even though that happened a year and a half ago... I'm still processing!)

Our budget is different,
our house is different,
our friends, life, my occupation, our time... all different.

Shocker, I know.
I'm a late bloomer.

Just to give you a nauseating glimpse of the inside of my bellybutton, here are some of the questions I've been wrestling with lately:

  • Am I serving a purpose as a stay at home mom? Is my life worth anything? (Not in a suicidal or depressed way, promise!)
  • Is all of this writing worth anything? Will it ever go anywhere? Should it?
  • How do we know when it's time for baby #3?
  • My life doesn't feel at all like ministry... and that's the only thing I desire for it to be!
Blah blah blah, wah wah wah.
I'm so sick of myself that I escaped into a weekend long marathon of reality TV... and I rarely turn the thing on. 

So I'll put on my big girl pants and admit it.What I need is to stop staring at me...
at MY changes,
MY questions, 
MY worries.

I need to fix my eyes on a God so huge and awe inspiring that I realize what tiny matters these things are.  He's in control. Keep my eyes up.


So much easier said than done.


Jessica Whatley said...

I could write a million answers about this post but I can guarantee you're doing ministry. I see it everyday when I read what you write. The impact of your ministry is still seen here and don't ever forget that!

You are serving a HUGE purpose staying home with your girls- the time you're spending with them, the bonds you're building- that is a whole ministry in itself!

The writing is worth A LOT! It will go somewhere- who knows where all God wants it to go but it will!

Now about Baby #3- I totally get that you really want to rely on God for help in this decision. But- I would say now is a good time :)

Loves you always!

Toni Patrick said...

Your writing has already " gone somewhere" minister to us every single post! And isn't your most important job in life to raise your girls to seek God obsessively like you do?? Your time at home with them Allows you to be a constant model for them. I don't want to hear any more "does my life have a purpose?" out of you!! Myself and so many readers are captivated by your enthusiasm for living an authentic Christian life and passing it along to your children. We all love you!

Rebecca Rainer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rebecca Rainer said...

Ditto ditto, Toni and Jessica. I'm so happy Rachel has sweet friends like you two to slap her around when she needs it!

The Kirks said...

Ok so I am about a week behind catching up on posts! I know exactly what you are feeling. I have so many of these same questions myself but mine are a little in reverse... "Am I doing enough for Hadley by working all day and then not having as much patience with her the few hours I can spend with her at night?" "If I was to stay home, how would our lives change and would it be beneficial for her because she would be missing out on time with people that love her so much?" "Am I just going through each day running the race but not really making any difference?" So believe me, you are not the only one that deals with these questions!

I can say though to you that you ARE making a huge difference in your girls' lives. Just reading your posts and seeing you with them, they will benefit so much from that one on one time.

I also totally understand your questions about school. I think that kids benefit so much from that social interaction but I also think nothing replaces traditional family values that can be taught hands on in the home. God will lead you in the right way. Just keep trusting in him.

As far as your will go somewhere I know! Your writing has touched me since I was just a little girl! You have a gift and whether that gift is to touch someone dealing with adoption questions in Missouri that happens upon your blog or you become a worldwide bestseller- it is for something! You have touched someone and that is why God blessed you with this talent.

I love you so much and love that you actually have these fears! Sometimes I feel like I might be the only person that doesn't have it figured out!!

tanya marlow said...

coming to you via joy in this journey...

Just - I know that feeling so well, that 'urgh' and 'argh' feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin because I'm all out of sorts but sick of being out of sorts, and needing to focus on God and not me, but just feeling all motion-sick and not right...

THinking of you in these changes! Much love x

Cameron said...

Ditto to Jessica and the others. You rock, and I'm thankful to be a "new (Mobile)" friend! Love you!

RACHEL said...

Is it weird I'm too embarrassed to respond to these comments? It makes it feel like I was asking for compliments. Which I wasn't, BUT... the encouragement sure did help. A ton! Thank you all!