I need to talk to you.
You who are adopting, despite the fact that God has blessed you and your husband with the ability to conceive.
You who feel called to adopt your first child, before ever even knowing whether you and your spouse can become pregnant.
You who understand the pain of waiting ONLY because you PICKED the adoption process; not because you’ve stumbled upon the aches of infertility.
I need to talk to you, because you and I have been hurting our sisters in Christ.
I need to talk to you, because every time we qualify that “we’re not adopting because we HAVE to, but because we WANT to,” we may be violently rubbing salt into the very open wounds of those battling infertility.
Please hear my heart; I do love the Christian adoption community. We adopt because God adopted us. We feel humbled into passion. We are so blown away by the beauty of adoption that we are insulted when “others” assume the ONLY reason for adoption is infertility.
We know that adoption is the gospel, and so we declare, “Adoption is NOT plan B!” And as if to prove that adoption is not plan B, we disclose just how fertile we are.
We are so blind.
Was adoption “Plan B” to the mother who always wanted to both adopt and get pregnant, but found the door to biological children closed to her? No!
And to really challenge us…
Is adoption “Plan B” to the mother who never fathomed adoption… who still has trouble imagining adoption because it feels like a betrayal to her desire to become pregnant? Really. I am asking you. Is it “Plan B”?
You, Christian, who know that the Bible says each child was knit together by God in the womb… even if it’s the womb of a birth mother rather than the permanent mother.
You, Christian, who rejoice that God has ordained each of our days before one of them came to be… including the day a child will enter the arms of her adoptive parents.
You, Christian, who believe that God’s plan is always Plan A, regardless of whether we saw it coming… regardless of the tears and pain that brought us to the beauty of His will.
Is adoption EVER “Plan B”?
If you or I ever comprehend the beauty of adoption, it is by the grace of God alone. Sometimes that gracious eye-opening comes through infertility, or a deeply implanted passion, or the example of another adoptive family. Regardless of how we are awakened to the gospel and how it relates to adoption, IT IS GRACE.
We have no grounds for bragging.
Except, maybe, to boast in our weaknesses… in which case we can boast if we ARE infertile if God has done a mighty work through that!
Infertility is shown throughout the Bible as something very near and dear to the heart of God. Perhaps as dear to His heart as the orphan. I have said this before and I will say it again: Trials are often a gift and the favor of the Lord.
Infertility is a trial. Therefore, infertility and all that is learned through it can often be seen as the grace of God. Painful grace, but grace nonetheless.
So can we make a deal?
Can we do the following?
- When we talk about our choice to adopt, can we stop clarifying just how fertile we probably are?
- Can we allow our Christian sisters to grieve infertility, even if they are simultaneously excited about an adoption process?
- Can we stop inferring that infertility is a lesser motive for adoption? (There are children who are old enough to understand this logic… children who know they were adopted as a direct result of infertility. God had a plan for these little ones and for their parents, and he wanted them right where they are. Can we stop unintentionally trashing their parents and challenging just how desired they were?)
- Can we humble ourselves and drop the pride we carry for having adopted despite being able to get pregnant? There is no room for pride in Christianity. Can we realize that we have seen the beauty of adoption through grace alone, just like those who came to that same beauty through infertility?
Is it a deal? I hope so!
Ladies, am I missing any bullet points? Are there any other deals we should make?
(My writing was inspired by my friend’s honest post.)