Ugly Heart

I was hoping that my next blog post would be a big apology. A big, “I feel better now, sorry for my ugly heart showing too much last time” kind of post. I figured that by my next post, God would have strengthened me so much that I’d be ready to point to Him and all of His glory instead of to my own bad attitude.

But if I’m being honest, I’m still having a really hard time this week.

I hate it that my rocky faith is failing to produce some fruits of the spirit that I desperately need: patience, peace, joy, kindness.

I hate it that I am so frustrated at those who are supposed to be working on our behalf in this adoption – and who are probably doing a flawless job, despite my confusion at how we’ve wound up as the longest waiting Uganda family they have ever processed.
I hate it that I have jealous feelings towards precious adoptive families who are rejoicing at the homecoming of their children. Children who are orphans-no-more, and who are surely causing even the angels to celebrate. A huge part of me does rejoice with these families. A huge part of me loves them deeply for all we have in common. My flesh is just about as ugly right now as it has been in years. I am asking God to free me from my sinful attitude.
My comfort this week is that God has compassion on my black hurting heart. My sour spirit might be disgusting whoever reads this… but I am so thankful that Jesus looks tenderly at my wretched state, feels my pain, and is willing to transform me into something more beautiful. Something more like Him.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
   –  Hebrews 4:15-16

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February
Rambling Negativity

4 Comments

  1. I hear your heart. You are a mother in anguish and I get it. I can't say I've been there or I know exactly how you feel. But as a mom, I get it. Praying for you today. I can't imagine the heart wrenching pain of this wait.

  2. Your heart has never been ugly. You're a momma who wants to hold her baby girl for the first time after a long long time waiting. You're allowed to be normal and angry and jealous and sad all at the same time. Praying for you to have a peace. Nobody knows why your wait has been so long. All we can do is trust God. Can't wait to be in Uganda with you sweet friend. I can truly say that will be one of the most precious days of my life when I come see you holding your daughter!

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