I have no idea where this latest bout of bitterness in my heart has sprung from. I am trying to fight it — trying to seek God. I am trying to identify what in the world these emotions are so I will know exactly what needs to be surrendered to Him.
I felt such peace over Christmas. I felt like God had equipped me to wait forever on Amelia if necessary. I felt like I was satisfied in Him alone, and that even our quest for our baby girl was secondary to the joy I found in Him. I thought Christmas would be hard, but instead, it was a sweet season.
But this new year is throwing me for a loop. Once again, we are living within a month that we “might” travel. A month when we can begin to wonder with baited breath whether news will come from Uganda. I feel like two entirely different people; one side of me is filled with hope and expectation, while the other side of me wants to hide under my pillow and avoid all excitement so that there are no hopes to have crushed yet again by another delay.
Friends need to know… will I attend the conference in February? Will I be around to host a party? Coworkers are curious… will you be gone during busy season?
I begin to tell them, surely we will be gone by February. Surely we will be in Uganda by then.
But I have said that before. I have said it about June, August, September, November… and yet we are always still here. We never leave. When will we ever leave?
We have been on the adoption path emotionally since 2008. Practically since early 2009. On my good days, I can tell you a thousand blessings God has brought through this stretched out wait. On my bad days, I don’t want to talk about the blessing of waiting. I just want our hopes to finally be fulfilled.
I’ve heard rumors that the administrative functions of the Ugandan courts could reopen as early as Friday. Does this mean that we could hear travel news next week? I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I wish I could keep myself from even speculating, because it has so far led to such disappointment. I wish I could naively live my life in America until I was happily blindsided one day with the news that it was time to get Amelia. But I can’t do that. My heart is tied to my baby, and I ache for her too badly to stop speculating.