We serve a jealous God. I forget that too often. And I am beginning to think that His jealousy has something to do with this adoption wait.
It sounds strange to call God jealous. Yet Scripture calls Him this again and again. In humans, jealousy is often tied to anxiety, weakness, insecurity, and selfishness. But God’s jealousy is not like ours. His jealousy is made of righteous love. A love that is fierce. A love that will fight for what is best for us.
|Being silly, pretending to pray.|
I don’t love Caroline perfectly. Don’t get me wrong; I love her endlessly. Deeply. With every fiber of my being. But “my being” is only an imperfect reflection of the Only Being Who Can Love Perfectly. So sometimes I find myself putting Caroline’s WANTS above her NEEDS. And then I have a child who has eaten a little too much junk food, or not slept quite enough. I have felt convicted about this lately.
While I will have to work on loving my children more perfectly, God is already loving me perfectly. Like Caroline, I often want things that I don’t need. What I need is God. What I need is the Only True Source of Joy. What I need is an intimate relationship with the Author of Life.
I get so caught up in wanting my way and in my time that I forget that GOD is the ultimate goal. GOD is my prize. Sometimes, when I am so bogged down wanting everything BUT God and His perfect timing, presence, and plan, God steps in to say “No.” In His divine wisdom, He sees that I am making idols of my once-good-desires. And with beautiful love and jealousy, He withholds from me some of those once-good-desires that have begun to consume me and blind me to the Him, the One Best Desire.
I don’t enjoy this. When you desire something with every drop of your energy, it hurts to be told, “wait longer,” or worse yet, “NO.” Sometimes, it feels more like a cruel twist of fate than like the Hand of a God who loves with more passion and wisdom than we can fathom.
As I look back at our adoption, I see a long line of “wait longer’s” and “no’s.” But I also see my heart inching nearer and nearer to the Heart of Our Creator. And there is nothing – NOTHING – that I needed (and still need) more than that.
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about they way
He loves us
– John Mark McMillan, He Loves Us