Envy

I am jealous of pregnant women.

There. I put it out there.

It’s not the mean kind of jealousy. Heck, I assume that we could easily get pregnant again now if it were what God had for us, but we haven’t turned in that direction because my heart is breaking for some child who does not come from my own womb.

I love hearing about the progress of my pregnant friends. I love seeing their beautiful round bellies and hearing how they’re shopping and preparing for their little ones. And I LOVE seeing tiny newborns gazing up at their mamas.

What I am sinfully jealous of is… the due date. The precious estimation of when the baby will finally be in their arms. Pregnant women face a zero percent chance that, during the ninth month, some governmental body will make incomprehensible changes that cause the baby to stay in their bellies for four extra months. Or worse, outside of their bellies, outside of their care, outside of their eyesight while the mothers miss precious early moments of growing and learning.

And with pregnancy, there is no doubting your route. You’re simply pregnant. You don’t change pregnancy countries, or agencies, or ages, or wonder whether you really heard God right. You don’t wonder whether you should switch direction. God has you where He has you, and you pray for the healthiest, happiest outcome there is.

I am also jealous of NESTING. Oh, how I want to nest. After all, we hope we’re only months away from our little one coming home. It would feel amazing to buy some clothes, or bottles, or bedding. But we can’t. Will it be a boy or a girl? Six months or fourteen months? Bottles or sippy cups? I can’t think of a single way to feed my need to GET READY.

So, I guess I’ll go make an appointment for travel immunizations. It’s one way I can prepare. Is it pitiful that my greatest comfort is getting several shots in the arm? Ha!

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3 Comments

  1. No ma'am…no pitiful. Quite beautiful that you YEARN for this child THAT much that you welcome these shots in your arm. It means you're just one small step closer to your baby. I think of you and your precious growing family daily. I love you!

  2. Great post, Rachel. I must say, you pinpointed my thoughts with your words. We received our referral back in February, but we have sat on the sidelines as Uganda and the U.S. have tried to figure this feud of sorts out on their own. All the while, the nesting I did is becoming obsolete. Our little guy is growing and changing… children do so much of that in such short spurts of time. I long and yearn to be with him… why can't I just have a due date!!??

    Again, well written!!

  3. I can relate! I've been pregnant 3 times and was sure that I never wanted to go there again, but several of my best friends are preg. this summer, and I'm jealous of all the things you mentioned. I do have one nesting idea for you… adoption related children's books. I've started a nice little collection! Let me know if you need any ideas!

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