The prayer I prayed at the start of our adoption process:
God, we will obey you in whatever you ask — but only if you’re asking us to parent a young baby.
God, we will give our care to whomever you place in our arms — but we will not let You place in our arms any child with severe medical needs.
We will follow Your will whatever the cost — unless the cost would make life hard on our Caroline. (Heaven forbid we show her that the difficult road walked in Your presence is far more amazing and rewarding than a comfortable and empty life on our own terms.)
We trust you endlessly — until You ask us to do or believe You through anything frightening.
I was so wrong. Thank God that He allowed there to be such uncertainty in our adoption. Yes, I want to know the answers. But this time of irresolution has taught me one thing: I am not in control. Not over our our adoption’s timing, not over our child’s age, health, & nationality, not over anything. And I am so glad. I believe that God’s will is best — regardless of what it is.
It is like I am now letting go, only to realize that my hands were clinched tightly around nothing at all. I never called the shots in the first place. And now, I want obedience. My eyes are open to the beautiful possibilities in all of those things I said “no” to at first with this adoption… special needs, different ages, different countries.
We have no reason to change course with our adoption right now. We have no reason to stop waiting for something to change in Uganda at this moment. But I told God this: My heart is open. I am ready for You to do whatever You will. And I am willing to follow. There is beauty in YOUR plan, God. Not mine.